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This is going to seem a little strident on the heels of Mary's sweet Globe column, but I read it late last week and have been trying to find the time to post it here. It's the story of a boy who was put on antipsychotic meds when he was two. The whole thing is sickening, and sad, but when I read the part about the Legos with the Risperdal logo on them, I got really angry. I'm sorry: A drug not approved by the FDA for use on children under age 5 being marketed via a "promotional item" that is "not intended for children to play with" that happens to be LEGOS?!?
But since this is not a place for me to air my disgust with our pharmaceutical industry, nor even really to discuss extreme cases like Kyle Warren and his family's, let's move on to kernel in this story that applies to all of us: What Kyle really needed was overall parenting advice and support for Kyle's mom, with particular insight into her child's emotions and tips on dealing with them.
Which is exactly what I need, too, as Drew moves into the middle of his third year and becomes a little person who gets angry, sad, scared, and frustrated from time to time, and Jonathan and I are faced with helping him cope, managing the feelings that his emotions trigger in us, and trying to avoid the dreaded feedback loop, which is so real I can almost see it thrumming in the air between us. So I'll throw a question out there: Has anyone read any good books or articles about young kids and emotions, or emotionally sensitive discipline, or related subjects?
I've heard good things about "The Emotional Life of the Toddler," though I haven't read it. My very savvy Aunt Carrie bought me a couple goodies that I dip into and keep meaning to read start to finish: "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child," and "Parenting from the Inside Out." And my mom's friend Karen bought me "200 Ways to Raise a Boy's Emotional Intelligence," which is helpful, in its Chicken-Soupy way.
Another parenting author whose work I stumbled upon (at a used bookstore on the Jersey Shore!) and appreciate for her no-nonsense, common sense style and focus on seeing the world through the child's eyes is Penelope Leach.
Overall, it seems to me the task at hand is to acknowledge the negative emotion and pause there for a moment without sweeping it under the rug, with the goal of teaching him that it's normal to feel bad from time to time, and then of course helping him find a healthy way to deal with the ickiness, and/or offering comfort and reassurance, but again, in the right measure, so he becomes self-reliant. And without minimizing whatever it is he's feeling. While getting out the door on time. It's tricky, right? Or is it just me?
Any recommendations? Or stories to share about "a ha" moments with your own kids?
By the way, the comments on Kyle's story are really good--including one from a mom who went on an anti-depressant herself to make it easier for her to deal with her son's tantrums!
KB, I thought it was a really interesting and yes, sad, article. Kyle Warren was definitely misdiagnosed and inappropriately medicated, but I think the issue can be complex. It’s easy for me to say that his doctors shouldn’t have put such a young child on the meds he was prescribed. But depending on what the family stress level was to begin with, it’s possible his doctors thought his issues put him at increased risk for child abuse. The one doctor in the article said, “But when they come to me, I have no choice. I have to help this family, this mother. I have no choice.” Granted, that doctor said he thought the drugs could help a toddler with bipolar disorder, which seems kind of crazy in itself, except that another recent article from the Times talks about depression in preschoolers (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/29/magazine/29preschool-t.html?pagewanted=1), as well as the increase in off-label medication of kids.
ReplyDeleteI think it all boils down to the point that you made, Kelly, which is that families need more—-and better—-support services, like the early childhood support program that eventually helped Kyle Warren. There’s a whole socioeconomic and political piece of the puzzle that the article talks about, too—that children from low-income families are four times as likely as the privately insured to receive antipsychotic medicines. It gets tricky, though, when you think about all the insured middle-class families out there who would struggle to pay the co-pays for weekly therapy sessions but wouldn’t qualify for low-income programs. The article mentions that Kyle’s doctors now say it was family turmoil and language delays that caused his tantrums, which in the therapy world would mean at least a few times a week with one or more therapists. Even with insurance, that can easily add up to hundreds of dollars a month.
Anyway, KB, back to your question about books about positive discipline. I have (but have not read in its entirety) Children: The Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs and Vicki Soltz, which is supposed to be an oldie but goodie. Also, Redirecting Children's Behavior by Kathryn Kvols, though I haven’t read that, either. It was recommended by Janeen Hayward at SwellBeing, which is a resource for parents. She also does webinars on different topics, including discipline, (see http://swellbeing.com/registration.html), which might be a cost-effective way of learning something useful without investing hours and hours in yet another book. I, for one, have numerous parenting books that I can never get around to reading.
Things I’ve heard can be helpful: Give kids a sense of control whenever possible, offer them choices whenever you can, and be calm, consistent, firm and loving--they can sense when we’re losing it, and it all goes downhill from there. Abby loves to pour her own juice, help prepare meals, etc., and I think that kind of thing helps her feel empowered. I’ve also used photos or drawings to show what the daily schedule or nighttime routine is, and I think that’s hugely helpful. There’s not as much room for argument if the plan is laid out for them. I sometimes wonder what it must be like to be 3 years old and to wake up in the morning not knowing what the day holds. Their understanding of time is tenuous, so they don’t know if it’s a weekday or a weekend, if it’s a workday, if it’s a school day, etc., until we explain all that.
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ReplyDeleteVery sad article. What I most got out of reading this was the idea that parents want a quick fix, something that will take care of the problem fast. Arlo has been working with an organization called Birth to Three for almost a year because of his speech delay, and as an almost 3-year old, he is just now forming complete sentences. When we first agreed to get help for his speech I was faced with a whole bunch of emotions. Am I over-parenting instead of just letting him find his words at his own pace? Am I setting him up to always be labeled as a "slow talker" or a kid in special needs programs? In the end my research showed that early intervention is the key and so we acted, and I'm so thankful we did. It's a state funded program that used to be free and now charges a monthly fee based on the parent's income. So, there are ways to get help if you have the time to find it and the time to slowly let your child improve. It would have been nice if his doctor had suggested a program like that first, but I can't put myself in his shoes.
ReplyDeleteI have one book that I have not finished. It has nuggets that make sense and a few that made me roll my eyes. It's called "Beyond Time Out," by Beth A. Grosshans. It's basically about parents taking back the control that we so often grant our children and being consistent with discipline. Like Mary said, being calm and consistent and firm is so important. If you're not calm they sense it and become more upset, if you're not consistent they will constantly be pushing back because they know it will lead to something and if you're not firm they will end up with the power. Kids have no idea what to do with that power and in turn it causes them stress (and you, of course). A line I use a lot when Arlo is having a fit about something is, "You can be upset but you're still not getting x,y,z." And then, I let him be upset because hey, I'm upset when I don't get what I want. It never lasts too long. The one thing that "Beyond Time Out" talks about that I really agree with, is the idea that parents talk WAY TOO MUCH to their kids during times of discipline. It's a natural instinct. Of course we want them to understand so we over-explain. You did this, so I'm reacting this way, so now you're reacting this way so now I'm going to keep reacting this way but if you do this everything will be better. It's too much! I try to just be firm, say it once and let Arlo have the time to deal with it. I'm pretty lucky in that I don't deal with too many tantrums though. I may change my tune if he had more. Also, I feel like I just changed the subject from your original post. Sorry if that's the case!