Copy.jpg)
Ok it's been a long hiatus but I've just read something I have to share. Again, from the Times, a piece about bullying, specifically girl bullies, even more specifically, little-teeny-girl bullies. What do you think? Is it worse now than it was when we were young? What's to blame? Who are these boors that condone bullying in their children as signs of strength, and who raised them?
Seems to me that being mean to other people might be hard-wired, something some or most people go through from time to time, especially when young, to test limits and establish social hierarchies, which, let's face it, are part of life. And in many cases, it's a revolving door: You're picked on, then you pick on, and so on and so forth. You learn from both experiences and hopefully don't grow up damaged or a total jerk.
How it's dealt with by adults, though, and whether it's reinforced or discouraged by the larger culture, may indeed have changed.
What have you seen? And can you draw a distinction down gender lines? Just last week, at the playground, I did see two little girls shun a third, telling her she couldn't play with them. They couldn't have been more than four. All were wearing some form of tiara; two with marabou accents. The shunned girl, who was, incidentally, taller and prettier than the other two (there I go making judgments, but I think it's worth pointing out) cried and hung back, but eventually followed along, and soon enough they were all playing together peacefully. A group of babysitters nearby gave the two tyrants a cursory admonishment to be nice, and the victim a standard, gentle "get back in there" push. All in all, a pretty typical scene, and no one overreacted. I wonder whether if there had been parents nearby the reaction would have been the same.
A few minutes later, Drew wandered up to them and they weren't having any of that, either. Which I totally understand. That's not bullying, not everyone has to play with everyone else, and kids aren't always civil or controlled in how they express their feelings. (Drew has been known to shout "DON'T SAY HI TO ME!" to kindly old people who say hello to him on the street. Mortifying, but true.) We should strive for kindness, of course, but sometimes it eludes all of us.
So, thoughts? I've put those of you who contribute or comment regularly on an e-mail list to be notified when there's a new post. Drop a comment if you'd like to be added to the list!
As a kid, I mostly flew under the radar of girl on girl meanness. I was never confrontational and luckily not picked on too much. Although fortunate for that, I don't feel really prepared to deal with what may transpire for Amelia and her younger sister.
ReplyDeleteIt is absolutely crushing for me to imagine peers being intentionally hurtful to Amelia, as I'm sure all parents feel about their children. At the same time, I recognize that parent intervention (or over-intervention) is not always helpful and can possibly extend and exacerbate a situation that might have been over quickly. My hope is that my daughters will look out for each other and help one another develop and maintain positive relationships with other kids. I really really hope that they don't face these challenges as early as the article suggests they might. Really makes you want to put them in a protective bubble.
Of course, there is always the chance that my kids could be the ones doling out the hurt. (Amelia can bring the sass, ie regularly responding to nanny's good morning greeting with "no.") But bullying or intentional meanness won't be tolerated here... I guess we'll cross that bridge if we come to it!
This is one of those things that makes me appreciate that my oldest is still so little, though she's already been shunned at the park by a couple of 5-year-old girls. Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems. Teenage kids, God help us all.
ReplyDeleteKB, I think you're on to something with most kids experiencing some degree of rejection--being excluded, called a name, etc. And really, maybe experiencing that feeling at some point teaches kids empathy. Of course, there’s a difference between being not-nice and being downright nasty or aggressive. But how, as parents, do we know when it’s the former and when it’s the latter?
This topic also brings up the helicopter parent thing. (Can we do a whole separate post on this--what exactly makes one a helicopter parent?) There's certainly an argument for not getting involved, but what if a quick word to a teacher can call attention to the situation and resolve it more easily? On the other hand, intervening with older kids might just invite further torment.
I don't know where I stand on getting involved at school. I'm just getting my feet wet there, with preschool phase-in, but I do know that not much escapes Drew's notice. For example, he absolutely noticed when other moms stuck around longer and I left. (As is normal during this phase-in, they encourage you to stay only if you really feel your kid needs it.) So he knows, even now, when I am there and when I'm not, when I'm talking to his teacher, etc. And other kids do, too. I guess if you did it by email or phone with the teacher, who's to know the difference. But if you haven't observed something with your own eyes, how do you even know what you're getting involved in? Seems to me it's probably better to keep your involvement limited to your relationship with your child and how you equip him or her to go out in the world and thrive, and, of course, treat others. Also probably can't hurt to not be perceived as a "problem parent" by teachers and/or administration. We want those who are caring for our children to love them as unconditionally as we do but ultimately anything that's more work for them isn't going to turn out well for the kid. Hate to be a cynic, but I think that's true. I guess we'll just have to feel it out as our kids get older. Maybe the most important thing is keeping communication open with your kid so they're always telling you if something is wrong. That way you can coach them through it and reassure them of their essential worth even if you don't get actively involved.
ReplyDeleteMy reaction to the article was in thinking how things are different today than when we were young. I think media is more of an influence (but, really is Lady Gaga all that worse than Madona?) -- mainly in access and constant bombardment, it makes it difficult to highlight good role models. I also think there are more helicopter parents -- maybe it's the tendancy for parents to either interfere with or stick up for their kids when really they should be teaching them a lesson.
ReplyDeleteBut, it is hard to "stay on the sidelines." When Rudy went through his "hitting phase" I was deadset on letting him "work it out" and not jump in the middle of a pounding session -- well, that didn't work. But I do get annoyed when parents are constantly swarming, especially if it seems they are doing it for the other parents' benefit. I like KB's comment on open communication.
I also think it's an interesting debate on whether there's inherent "meanness" in kids. I swear Rudy isn't exposed to anything that would encourage this behavior -- but he absolutely refuses to share his toys with other kids (at a Munich restaurant shared table next to a little girl who just wanted to touch Rudy's car -- no way -- and the kid flaunted it in front of her and then would pull it away!) But, Rudy's other new thing is "Go Away!" -- well, we can thank Arnold Lobel for that -- several instances of shouting go away in his books (but we all love them -- Frog and Toad, The Grasshopper, Mouse Soup, The Owl at Home)
Super late for a comment, but having a 6 year old boy, I have seen the power struggles in the classroom start already. Kids are trying to to develop a sense of self and test how powerful they can be. I think at this age, rather than trying to be mean, they are trying to assert themselves, admittedly somewhat clumsily. One thing I've realized is that something that bothers a child one day and that he/she shares with you, he might be over the next day while you are still stewing over it. One book I thought was excellent on the topic is called Building Resilience in Children and Teens by Kenneth Ginsburg. I saw him speak and he was wonderful. He gives strategies for helping your children learn to solve social dilemmas themselves, rather than having you step in to solve the problems (the helicopter parenting Mary was discussing). Also, another great book is Best Friends, Worst Enemies by Michael Thompson. He is also a fantastic child psychologist who has spoken at the American School.
ReplyDelete