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This New York magazine feature by Jennifer Senior--“All Joy and No Fun: Why parents hate parenting”—is a month old now, but it’s caused a big stir and is worth a read.
The article sums up a bunch of dismal research about parental happiness, or lack thereof: “As a rule, most studies show that mothers are less happy than fathers, that single parents are less happy still, that babies and toddlers are the hardest, and that each successive child produces diminishing returns.”
Why such widespread dissatisfaction? Senior argues that parenting has changed dramatically; we have more choices than previous generations did--whether to have kids, when, how many—and our expectations are too high. Plus, kids are now projects to be perfected. Government and social programs leave families to fend for themselves. Parents have less leisure time. (As an interesting counterpoint, this article from The Atlantic argues that parents, or mothers at least, have always been miserable.)
For me, it’s not really a question of being more or less happy than before I had kids. It’s less cut and dry: I’m infinitely more fulfilled but also exponentially more frazzled. I tend to agree with Senior, blaming life as we know it in 2010, and often think about the ways our parents’ generation had it easier—less time at the office, no smart phones, more family around to help (though yes, our parents had it harder in many ways, too).
But of course, those things aren’t going to change. So the question is: How do I deal with it? Let the more intense moments, when two kids are crying at once, wash over me? Breathe and, if it’s not too much to ask, get to take a shower in peace once in a while? I’d like some sort of mantra to guide me in those moments, but all I’ve got so far is Frank Castanza’s “Serenity Now.”
The other thing worth discussing about this article isn’t in the piece itself—it’s the hundreds of comments, many nasty and judgmental, in response to the article. Parenting is right up there with politics and religion in its ability to spark vitriol.
So, a few questions to ponder: What did you think of this article? Is parenting harder for our generation? How do you deal with the intense moments? Why can’t we all just get along (at least in online parenting chat rooms)?
I agree that overall I feel more fulfilled as a mother, but I have so many more moments of intense stress every day than I ever did before my son was born (I stay home with him full-time). At all of my previous jobs I had moments throughout the day where I could tune out or be alone. When you're with a two-year old all day you have to be physically, emotionally and mentally ON the entire time, constantly interacting with a person who is still learning how to interact. It's exhausting. Still, at the end of the day (even the very hardest day) when my son goes to bed I think of him and feel so happy to have him around. I can't help but think of the good moments we had that day and feel pretty lucky.
ReplyDeleteI think parenting has always been hard and frustrating, and I don't necessarily think it's any harder now. I think people just talk about it more now, or at least with more people (Mary, I don't know you, but here we are talking about it). One thing the article touched on though, and I agree with, is that waiting to have kids until you're older can create new frustrations. I know what my life was like when I had unlimited free-time, when I worked all day with adults, when I had a relaxing commute into every work day. When I could sleep and read as much as I wanted! Some days it bothers me that I don't have those things anymore and some days it doesn't.
As for how I get through the intense moments, it depends on how I feel that day (which usually depends on how much sleep I've had, if I ate a good breakfast, if I'm in a good mood - just like any working person). Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I hold my head high and just sing while my son is having a meltdown because it keeps me cool. Sometimes I get frustrated and snap at him and feel guilty and have to apologize later. All those things are pretty normal, I would guess, and sometimes I dwell on how I handled it and sometimes I don't.
We will never "all just get along." I was just reading some comment that Giselle Bundchen made about breastfeeding, and how she believes it should be against the law to not breastfeed your baby. Making comments like that, without considering that everyone experiences life in a different way, is why we will never all get along. People will always judge others (I do it too - even though I don't want to). Some people do it silently and some people splash it on the internet. You're right, it's as heated as religion or politics. I will say though, there's something about raising children that make perfect strangers think they have a say in how good or bad a job you're doing. Most parents I know have a story about how some lady at the grocery store gave them a dirty look or made a snide comment about their parenting style (YES lady, this lunchtime lollipop is absolutely necessary to get through a shopping trip). As long as I'm trying to be open-minded and accepting of others, I can get through the day.
Hi Nikki! I hadn't heard about Giselle's most recent comment, but oh my. I think there should be a law about supermodels making comments about childbirth and child-rearing. This is the same woman who said that her natural childbirth "didn't hurt in the slightest." I'm sorry, but you don't get to be beautiful AND invincible. It's just wrong.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I agree about having children later and having expectations about time to oneself--which basically doesn't happen unless the child still naps. It is a sad, sad day when that afternoon nap disappears! I end up squeezing "me" time into the hours when I'm supposed to be working each week (I work part-time). Then I end up working at night, or on the weekends, to finish what I need to do. It's a mess sometimes, but I guess no one promised me that having kids would be easy. And in the end, I like my work arrangement a lot. But there are those days when going to the office is a break!
Here's another piece appropriate to this conversation:
ReplyDeletehttp://nyti.ms/cxDYoA
It's from yesterday's NYT, it's yet another "having it all is impossible" story, and Allison French pointed it out to me.
Regarding the intense stress/frazzlement/frustration, some of it, to Nikki's point, is just the way raising a small child is, but I also can't help but think that a lot of it comes from either A. trying to do too much/too many things at once or B. needing (or wanting) to be in two places at once. (See Nikki's comment regarding starting a family after you've already worked for a number of years.)
Save more family-friendly laws and workplace policies, which of course we should all fight for however we can, how can we get more "serenity now"? I think it might need to be painted in terms of what we are willing to give up. Just completely, totally give up on, resign ourselves to not having until after the kids are in school or what have you. Because if you don't expect it, aren't reaching for it, then you can focus on what you do have and feel less torn/stressed/frazzled.
Examples of things I have given up on or am trying to give up on, from small to large: shaving my legs above the knee, wearing any makeup other than mascara (that's a recent development), going on more than one outing a day over the weekend, entertaining at home.
Some of these things are tied to time, some to money, some to both. The last two years I've spent a lot of time thinking about and fine-tuning the time/money equation, specifically because to make money I have to both spend time away from Drew and pay someone else to be with him. Sometimes I come out ahead, and sometimes I don't. Of course, there are intangibles, like personal satisfaction, which I get from my work as well as from my time with Drew. But I'd say I've still felt out of balance most of the time, save a few golden periods.
So I keep wondering: What else could I let go in order to free up more time, or spend less money, so I have to spend less time working. Any ideas? Are there things we think we need that we really don't and could just let go of entirely?
(And Gisele, please don't weigh in here, because you are not only beautiful and invincible but also extremely wealthy.)
The first paragraph of the NYT article is pretty amazing and so telling. Yes, we have a lot of work to do to get to an equal place. There was an article in the NYT Magazine years ago (I wish I could remember what it was called) asking when fathers were going to finally do their share. It profiled families who tried to split everything (work, housework, child care) directly in half. If I remember correctly, none of them lasted, and in all cases profiled the women ended up doing more of the housework and spending more time with the kids, either because it was more natural for them or because it didn't financially make sense for them to keep working.
ReplyDeleteI guess to answer your question Kelly, the thing I've been willing to give up is work. Granted, it was really easy for me because we moved to a new state six weeks before Arlo was born and I didn't have a job to return to. Had we stayed in NYC, I probably would have gone back to work in some capacity, but more because financially I would have had to. I actually feel pretty lucky that I get to parent full-time, but still, I miss having a job (another purpose) and worry a lot about how I'm going to get back into the workforce some day. I feel lucky because I get to be with Arlo during all of his growing, but also because I don't have those "torn" feelings you talk about. That might mean I wasn't so passionate about the work I was doing before. While I miss it sometimes, I don't feel like I'm missing out by not having it in my life.
I have let go of the idea of having time to myself in the morning to drink coffee and read or listen to news. I have also pretty much accepted the fact that I'm not writing at all or reading as much as I'd like or going on regular, solo walks to think. I don't feel like those things are gone forever, which makes it easier to let them go for now. Still, sometimes I think of all the mothers who do still find time for their passions and I feel like I'm not trying hard enough. The good news is, when I do happen to find myself doing one of those things, I appreciate it so much more.
I just came across this lovely response to the NY mag article, written by the founder of Babble.com:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.babble.com/mom/health-and-relationships/parents-are-happy/index.aspx#fbConnectSection
The original article was a downer, and I much prefer this take on it all. Beautifully written, too.
KB, to your point about cutting out things that aren't essential. I have started saying "no" to work projects this year. But it is always very difficult for me to do (we've discussed this before--you can't be a go-to person if you're not there all the time). Plus, saying "no" to projects here or there buys me only a few weeks of less insanity at a time. And it creates other stress because no work equals no money as a freelancer. I'm not complaining, though, because most of the time it works out well for me in the end. Of course, you're catching me on a good day...
My other solution is to fantasize about doing something really crazy--selling the condo, taking the fam on an around-the-world journey, living off the earth, etc. Not going to happen, but it provides a moment of escape here or there!
Nikki, earlier this summer I started forcing myself to go out for a walk in the evening, while my husband is at home and the kids are in bed. It ends up happening only once or twice a week, but it's really great. I have not found a way to successfully read entire books. I seem to be able to read decent amounts only when traveling without kids, which happens only a couple of times a year for me.
Mary, thanks for posting R. Griscom's reaction--I agree, far preferable to Senior's piece, which honestly strikes me as a pretty run-of-the-mill, tempest-in-a-teapot NY Magazine cover story. Mind you, I like the magazine a lot, but I don't really trust them (or the NYT magazine, honestly) on the social science stuff. Or maybe I just don't trust (or see the point in?) a lot of social science itself.
ReplyDeleteNikki, funny you should say that what you've given up is work. Because if we have another kid, I think that's what will have to go for me, too. I mean, I will still have to find a way to bring in some money, but I will have to let go of the idea of keeping up with my career, at least for a time. It's actually kind of hard for me to believe that I'm doing some of the most interesting, fulfilling, and challenging work I've ever done right smack in the middle of raising a toddler, but I am. I shouldn't complain about any of it, and try not to, because it's really a cup-runneth-over situation. I feel lucky every single day. But it's bone-crushingly exhausting, and if I add a baby to this recipe, well, there's just no way I could be as present for two children and my job as I would want to be. No way. There's just not enough of me to go around, and in the end, I'd rather sink my time and love and creative energy into my family.
When I stop and think, I'm surprised that I don't feel upset about having to choose ... but it doesn't really feel like a choice. If I don't step away from my work, I'd have to step it up to a level where I could afford a full-time sitter of our own to run all of our lives.
I guess I thought I was having it all for a while there. But maybe I only deferred the inevitable.
I may be giving up too easily ... see also the policy thread. Is there a way to build a career without giving the preponderance of your waking hours to it? I suppose some people do it. Maybe I will do some digging on that idea and try to post something to read in that vein.
As far as walks (or yoga) after bedtime, and time for our passions, hear hear! But for me it's most often a calculation, with whatever it is on one side, and sleep on the other. And most of the time, sleep wins.
I attribute this perceived increase in parental “unhappiness” with the delayed start (versus our parents) most people give having children. I had a full decade between graduating college and having Amelia to enjoy adult life without the responsibilities and social limitations of a child. I got pretty accustomed to my fun time and now miss it quite a bit. But I also know that (in small increments) I’ll be getting freedom back, and it is a welcome upside to getting older.
ReplyDeleteSomeone once told me one’s 30s are so much better than their 20s because the most radically life-altering points of growing up are behind you – your established life is less tumultuous and more enjoyable. I’m pretty sure that statement was made on the assumption that kids were born in the parents’ mid-twenties. My life right now feels more tumultuous than at any point since I agreed to follow my boyfriend from Chicago to New York. Figuring out how to be a parent in the first place, soon to double-down, and trying to simultaneously achieve balance is a pretty wild ride. If my 40s aren’t bliss, I’m going to figure out whose bogus statement that was and make them my indentured servant.
Thanks KB and Mary for starting this blog. It is so nice to hear from everyone, especially when so many of the thoughts shared mirror my own.