Superiority complex

By now you’ve probably heard about the firestorm caused by Amy Chua’s “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” essay in last weekend’s WSJ. It’s an excerpt from Chua’s book that was released this week, "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," and details how Chinese parents raise kids to be successful (Chua’s rules include no playdates, no TV, no grades less than an A, etc.). Chua’s philosophy—not to mention her story about forcing her 7-year-old to practice a particular piano piece for hours on end with no dinner, no water and no bathroom breaks—strikes me as cruel and crazy, but also completely fascinating.

After all, there’s a lot to be said for teaching our kids the virtues of perseverance and hard work. Malcolm Gladwell makes a compelling case for working one’s butt off in “Outliers,” discussing how success depends not on being the smartest or most talented in a given field, but being smart or talented enough and then practicing a lot—the magic number being 10,000 hours. But where does that drive come from? Can parents foster it, or is fire in the belly really … in the belly? Can you nurture drive in a child, or does it have to be in their nature? Like most things in life, it’s probably not that simple. I recently heard the phrase “nature through nurture,” and I think there’s something to that. Chua, who maintains that the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle, might agree: “Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction,” she writes. “This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.”

How do we help our children live up to their potential? It’s a question that quickly leads to other big questions—sticklers about how to define success, and happiness, and what it even means to live up to one’s potential. We inevitably fall back on our own experience and ponder what our parents did right or wrong. I played the piano for years as a kid; I enjoyed it and practiced without any threatening or yelling on the part of my parents. But when I was 14, I quit taking lessons, and my parents let me. I’ve often wished I would have kept at it, but to what end? I was no concert pianist in-the-making, and apparently, it stopped being fun at some point. Will I force my own kids to stick with it—whether it is piano, or soccer, or art class? I suppose it depends on the kid, or the situation, or how much they’re complaining about it.

So, a few questions: How hard will you push your kids in school and activities? How hard were you pushed by your parents? Will you choose or influence what classes, sports, musical instruments your kids pursue? Does parental discipline beget self-discipline—or just resentment?

Oh, and here’s an interesting response that ran in The Atlantic, “Thoughts from the Daughter of a Chinese Mother.” If you’ve seen any other responses out there worth reading, pass them along.